A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
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“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
My neck my back my allergy attack
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time