A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
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THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.