A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
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when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
#Caturday
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.