A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
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“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day