A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
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LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
a fate I wish upon no one
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.