A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
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I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…