A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
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me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Flowers bee like
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom