@alldrolledup

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

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@o__0Dev

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

@sixfootcandy

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

@knot_eye

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

@huntigula

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

@Proxic0n

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

@Elizasoul80

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

@LnL245

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon