A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
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I want what they have
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
termite twitter scares me
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.