A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
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My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots