@Try2StopME This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
@NYC_Blonde A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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@Try2StopME 
@SondraDeeMe My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
@fro_vo Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
@KizerBillhelm *dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
@EndhooS Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
@Social_Mime Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
@BenOnus_Kenobus “Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
@XplodingUnicorn My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
@ellle_em My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
@dogfather CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA