A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

You Might Also Like


My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.


Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave


*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*


Cool puppy. What’s his name?
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”


Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.


“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.


My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.


My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats


CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???