A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]