A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
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[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
congratulations to them
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop