A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
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I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
😬
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend