a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
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The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.