A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
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Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I missed you with all my darts
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
What an awful time to have common sense.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023