@sonictyrant

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

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@papasuncle

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

@krishna_van

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

@Kim_pulsive

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

@rickolantern

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

@ThisLocalHater

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

@DamonHunzeker

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

@OkieGirl405

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

@CourtneyBale

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*