Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
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My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*