A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
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Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.