a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
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Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft