a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
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they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy