A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
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Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
i have one speed and it’s mosey
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.