A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
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My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
We’re all getting idioter.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.