a public service announcement
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Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
A drum solo but on your face.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.