Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

Word!

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*