A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
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Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer