@1Happytwit A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
@DanSpenser A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
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@1Happytwit 
@thedayofthedot okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
@coleycannamama My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
@StumblerTop Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
@hello_saylor A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
@cons_owned 
@TheTweetOfGod The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
@PJTLynch Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
@zacharyflynn One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
@Aspersioncast Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.