A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
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Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
My patience has stretch marks.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.