A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
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I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian