A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
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shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
The prophecy is fulfilled
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
i spent way too long on this
this is literally a CIA plant
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
These dogs look like they have good credit.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song