@TheAlexNevil

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

You Might Also Like

@Amusitr0n

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

@BabyFishMouth5

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

@mommajessiec

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

@david8hughes

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

@SirEviscerate

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

@Kyle_Raney

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

@theAtomicDon

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

@ddsmidt

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

@julezmac

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

@Smooheed

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about