A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

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*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*


How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.


The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.


Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.


You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!


Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP


People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?


When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.


Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.


Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about