A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Fights fire with marshmallows
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
#milo
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.