A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.


Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.


When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.


My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”


Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.


There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.


Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working


66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”