“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
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*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet