A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
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Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Basketball
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”