[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
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My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.