A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
You Might Also Like
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon