A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
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[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke