Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work