@Caissie

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

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@imkrisyim

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

@clichedout

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

@GlennyRodge

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

@caithuls

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

@TheToddWilliams

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

@WilliamAder

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

@KimmyMonte

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

@mommajessiec

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

@Marlebean

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!

Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.