A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
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Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
What
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.