A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
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DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
as is their right
i wish we could shoplift online
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”