A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
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The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I think the cat got the dog high.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.