A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
You Might Also Like
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.