A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
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If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.