A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
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[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.