A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
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My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Denise please return my vape pen
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons