A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
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Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I’m about to risk it all
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-