a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
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Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast