A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
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I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My birthstone is kidney
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam