A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
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*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.