A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
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this is why you should always wash behind your ears
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
how to have fun when you’re poor
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign