A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
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Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Super Hand Dog Face
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.