A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
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[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.