Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
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Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage