@leyawn

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

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@lovemydogduck

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

@KalvinMacleod

[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*

@DogPishRed

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

@bonehugsnirony

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

@brendohare

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

@PaperWash

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

@Staggfilms

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

@joeislamo

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

@BAKKOOONN

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage