A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
This will never not be funny to me.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
uncle dave has been through hell
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!